When Enjoyment is the Only Desired Outcome
What flat bike tires taught me about my reliance on instant gratification, and all the opportunities that open up when you view life as an experiment
Welcome to Learning to Be A Beginner: An 8-Week Experiment in Overcoming Perfectionism! This is a recap of Week 1, where I decided to dust the cobwebs off my bike after years of letting it sit untouched. You can read more about why I decided to do this experiment here, and subscribe for free below to follow along for the ride :)
“It’ll be just like riding a bike!” I told myself as I pulled my (literal) bike out of its hiding spot in the garage for the first time in two years.
It was time to make good on my promise to find one way to be a beginner. . . but little did I know how humbled I would be along the way 😅
At first, I couldn’t quite decide what I wanted my first “beginner” task to be. I opened up a note to start listing ideas, and something fascinating happened almost immediately: I noticed that I wasn’t putting limits on myself or what I might want to try out, like I usually would. . . all because it was under the guise of an “experiment.”
It felt almost how I assumed Nathan Fielder wanted his subjects to feel in his latest season of The Rehearsal, when they were put into the role of an “actor:” as though all of a sudden, because I’d given this the label of “an experiment,” a world of opportunities opened up in front of my eyes!
So I started thinking about things I’d wanted to do but hadn’t yet: taking a dance class. An art class. XYZ workout at that studio I’d been eyeing.
I mean, never once have I had an inkling of a desire to try out ballet, until this sense of separation was created in my head: because this was all part of an experiment, it didn’t matter if I failed! I could simply go on ClassPass, find a random class that looked interesting to me, and give it a shot—because it wasn’t tied to my sense of worth, or a desire for “success.”
All of a sudden, the potential outcomes & results weren’t correlated to my value as a person: they were simply part of a silly little experiment. 🧪
It wasn’t until a few days later that I realized, oh! I’ve been saying I wanted to get my bike out of the garage for a while. . . maybe now’s the time.
So I considered what had stopped me from doing this earlier:
I was irrationally afraid that I wouldn’t be able to ride a bike anymore
It would require me to fix any issues that the bike might have after two years of non-use
I don’t have any experience biking in a city and all the cars kinda scare me!
I’d have to remember how the gears worked (silly but it was a real obstacle in my mind)
I figured there was no more perfect time to push through whatever silly barriers I’d created in my head than now, when I have the excuse of this Substack series/experiment to kick my ass into gear.
Sure, getting my bike out wouldn’t require me to be a total beginner—but after two years, it sure felt like a new and slightly scary thing to do.
In classic perfectionist fashion, the very first thing I did was go to Google and search “best bike routes in Seattle.” Because why would I simply just. . . hop on my bike and take it around the neighborhood when I could, instead, spend hours trying to find the “perfect” route to make the effort worth my while?
I caught myself immediately, trying to turn what was supposed to be a playful, curious exploration into an activity I could only do if I did it the perfect way, right away.
And guess what? I said no, fuck that, we are keeping things EASY and fun!
You don’t have to strap your bike to your car & drive 30+ minutes through traffic to the prettiest park in Seattle in order to get started!!
I put my pride aside and set out with one simple goal: get the bike out of the garage and ride it around the neighborhood. That’s it!
So I braided my hair, laced up my tennis shoes, and put on my favorite hot pink set that makes me feel like I can do anything.
But not even five minutes in, I realized my tires were totally flat (which, in hindsight, makes complete sense after two years). . . and I swear to god I truly almost gave up right then and there 🙃
How silly is it that, in this world of efficiency, speed, and automation, we have become SO accustomed to instant gratification that we want to give up as soon as we run into one tiny little problem?!
It was very humbling to recognize that about myself, but I guess you can’t change things until you’re aware of them, right?
A lovely little spiral of anxious thoughts proceeded to swirl around in my head:
“Oh god, what do I do? Where’s my portable air pump? I’ve never used it on bike tires before. . . what PSI should they be at? What if it doesn’t work and I feel stupid?? What if the pump explodes in my hand because I chose the wrong setting?!”
Within mere moments, I had literally turned the tiniest technical issue into a determining factor of my self-worth, value, and confidence. Crazy! I was so damn annoyed at this that it spurred me to figure this shit out on my own.
Because despite the anxious spiral in my head, I knew I was capable! I knew I was smart! And I knew it was a much easier fix than I was making it out to be.
Ten minutes later, I’d successfully pumped up the tires (without blowing them up, lol) and was on my way to being the silliest-looking biker in the neighborhood, fumbling around to push off and get my foot on the pedal in my hot pink getup.
Shocker alert: it was fun!!
I immediately remembered how much biking brings me back to my childhood, how the wind in my face as I speed down a hill calls my body back to simpler times, how the scent of freshly-cut grass as I pedal around a park transports me right back to the cul-de-sac I rode around as a kid.
And what do you know?
I successfully managed to bike 5 miles around the neighborhood without totally embarrassing myself, falling on my face, or believing I was a complete and utter failure of a person simply because I felt like a beginner.
Sure, I may have almost biffed it going too fast down a hill (oops), and I may have almost given up as soon as getting the bike out became just a tiny bit difficult. . . but I HAD A BLAST! And I was very proud of myself by the end.
Because without the pressure to go a certain distance or reach a certain speed, the only outcome to aim for is enjoyment—and that’s the shit that matters.
I have yet to decide what this week’s experiment will be, but I know it’s going to be busy AF—so I’ll probably keep it fairly low-effort.
I’m thinking that going to a park with a set of colored pencils & a sketchbook sounds nice (and like a great way for me to challenge my ego/feel like a total beginner)! 🎨
I love it! I love using the term experiment, it allows me to go into new things without the expectation of perfection and the resilience to keep trying. Great piece!